(DA) Courage

I have been told I'm courageous.

"You have a Disease and never complain about it. That's courage."

"You're so brave! You wake up every day and act like nothing's wrong."

"Even when you're sick, you're strong and determined."

Well, I disagree.

I'm not courageous.

Someone who's courageous would talk about their issues. I avoid them.

Someone who's courageous would accept help. I deny it.

Someone who's courageous wouldn't hide behind a smile. Sometimes I smile so wide my cheeks hurt.

I am not courageous. I am stubborn, which means sometimes I have to I force myself out of bed, and force myself to eat. I'm determined to do the things I 'should' be doing- like a normal person, so that I appear not to have MS. And if I appear not to have MS, then maybe I'll forget about it for a while. And maybe, just for a minute, I'll feel okay.

The only way I know how to talk about my issues is in writing. The only way I can express my darkest fears is by writing characters to face them in my place. I create fictions and fantasies to cope, therefore removing myself from the situation almost completely.

That is not bravery.

Nor is it cowardice; it's a step in the right direction.

One day I believe I will be courageous. One day I will be able to lead others toward coping, healing and answers with my spoken voice. Until then, I will write others to do it for me.

-Brandolyn

 Thanks for the topic challenge Alex. Tomorrow, let's write about "What you want to be when you grow up."