The media is full of stories of women being mistreated in the workplace, at home or in public, or just mistreated in general, but it isn't until you start talking to people that it becomes clear that these are much more than stories. Women and girls are constantly being mistreated and it's not something that's only happening across the world. It's happening in our homes, our parks, our places of work and even with people we think we should trust.
These are a handful of my own experiences in THIS PAST MONTH alone.
-At work I've had people ignore me, and ask to see my manager (I am the manager) when I tell them the answer to their questions. I have witnessed male employees reply with the same answer I gave and watched as patrons accepted their word instead of mine.
-At a wedding recently I had another guest approach me, place his hand on the small of my back and say "I like how you're wearing that dress." He could have been more crass, but I did not give this man permission to touch me, and he seemed taken aback when I reminded him of this fact.
-Someone who works with me tells me to smile for him every time he passes my office. I am working and I do not need to look up from my work to smile at you. He does not ask any of the men to smile for him.
-At one of my places of work, people will come to look over my shoulder at my computer screen and place their hands on my shoulders and massage me, or come up behind me and pinch my sides. One man will even tell me when I've put on weight "Time to go to the gym!". My friends don't pinch me. My friends don't massage me, or touch my shoulders or my hips. Just because you aren't slapping my ass, doesn't mean that you are not harassing me.
The list goes on and on and started before high school. And most of my girl friends have the same or similar stories. People calling them "Sugar, or Princess at work, making sexist or dirty jokes and saying, "I'm just kidding you're like a sister to me", people getting upset when you tell them your boundaries. "Geeze, don't be such a prude!" "I was only joking." "What's your problem?" "You need to relax" "Are you on your period?" "What, you don't trust me?" I've heard all of these statements and they're ridiculous. If anyone says No or tells someone else to stop, there does not need to be an explanation.
In an effort to confront the topic of misconduct, especially unwanted physical contact I've written a chapter dedicated to it in my latest book. It is a recurring theme in my book, but one chapter deals with unwanted physical contact directly. I set it in a pub because it is easily relate-able to most people. If you haven't been grabbed, slapped or cat called in a bar (good for you) you know someone who has been made very uncomfortable by another person. Everyone knows the story; handsy person blames wandering hands on the alcohol, "But it's just such a nice ass. I bet your lips feel even better..." blah blah blah. But what do on lookers do? Usually, nothing. What do friends do? "Ugh, what a jerk." Is this enough? No, but education is spreading and hopefully one day this will only be a rare occurrence.
My friends are brilliant, and that's why I keep them around. But one of the many ways that my male friends are wonderful is that they are appalled when they hear these stories. My husband is shocked by some of the stories he hears from myself or his sister. They know that this stuff happens, but respect their mothers, sisters and friends. They know what respect means and how it looks. And most of them are confident enough to tell off someone who isn't being respectful. And I couldn't be prouder.
-Brandolyn
