Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Looking for feedback.

Below is a short story I wrote several months back. I wrote this story by going way outside my comfort zone and using the first person narrative style- which  I have not used since high school.

The story is pretty much a dialogue which has occurred several times in my own head when I think of the impact MS has and may have on my life, and I final forced myself to put it on paper in an attempt to quell the inner dialogue and come to terms with or at least try to deal with it. It hasn't solved anything, but I feel it has helped. I hope this will help others one day, once it's primed and polished.

I feel my judgement is clouded when I review this story and I cannot see its flaws, specially since it has been such a long time since I have tried to write from the first person in a story. I would love some constructive criticism to help me shape it up.

I would be willing to hear any advice you can give me.


A Mothers' Instinct


            As the door swings open I call out a soft “Good morning, Helen” and stand in the doorway waiting for an invitation inside. Helen answers with her usual dry cheerfulness.  
“Good morning, come on in. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?”
“No thanks. I had one on my way.” I lie. I hate coffee, there’s something about the smell that makes my stomach churn. I bow my head in appreciation of the offer anyway and take a seat in my favourite chair; a worn out leather recliner. The chair isn’t very old, but the soft leather has cracked from consistent use. I don’t mind, even damaged, it’s still the best chair in the room.
“How do you feel today?” Helen asks as she takes a seat in a fancy white, spindle legged chair.
“Fine.” I reply.
“What do you feel today?” She asks. I hate when she asks me this. I shrug my shoulders non-committedly. “Brooke?” I can tell by her tone of voice as she says my name that she’s starting to get annoyed with me. I take momentary satisfaction in her frustration before replying.
“I’m confused.” I mumble.
“Alright. What’s confusing you?”
“Selfishness is bad right?” I ask.
Helen removes her thick rimmed glasses and looks at me trying to analyze whether or not that was a serious question. Her thin, perfectly tweezed eyebrows arch up in a silent question asking me, What do you think?
Another sigh escapes me. “Yeah, alright, being selfish is bad. I get it, but what if every fibre of your being is telling you otherwise?”
“Then you wouldn’t feel confused would you?” Helen teases as she replaces her glasses and leans forward in her chair, resting her chin on one hand. “What’s bothering you?” She probes. I sigh again. I like Helen quite a lot, but she is rather nosey.
“I’m 27 years old. I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years; we’ve been together for 8. We have a lovely house, a truck, two amazing dogs and one very old goldfish. I have a full time job during the week and I volunteer with the hospital on weekends.”
“And this is bothersome?”
I shake my head. “Of course not. I have a great life, but I know something’s missing and if I want to try to fill the gap..” I pause while I search my brain for the right words, “Well, I’m afraid I might do it for the wrong reasons.”
Helen smirks.
Damn, I think. I know that look. When Helen opens her mouth I know the words she is going to say before she speaks them. “Brooke, you’re dancing around the subject. What’s missing? What do you want?”
I sink deeper into my chair and look out the window seeking comfort away from Helen and her small room. I watch out the window as a beautiful Irish Setter bolts by, its leash bounces along behind it dragging on the sidewalk. A moment later a young man in sweat stained clothes runs by following in the dogs’ wake. He yells back to a woman; I assume she is his wife, as she pushes a stroller running after him calling frantically for the man to catch their beloved pet.
I would have laughed, had I not been jealous of the scene outside. I have the athletic husband, I have the renegade furry companions, and I can keep up with them all but it was the stroller in the running scene that caught my eye. Helen had noticed, and I blushed as I sink further back into my cracked leather chair.
“Well?” Helen inquires, taking a sip from her cup of tea. Her burgundy lacquered pinkie finger sticks out as she lifts the cup to her lips. “What do you want?” She repeats.
“I want a baby! Alright? I want children.” I snap back. I practically jump from my seat at her, like a caged jungle cat. I was harsher than I had intended to be. I apologise immediately.
“It’s alright.” She assures me, while continuing putting her tea cup back down on the table between us. “Do you think having a baby would be selfish?”
As I nod my gaze returns to the window. I can’t look at her. I’m afraid I might lash out at her again, and none of it is her fault; I know that.
“Why?”
Why, should be an easy question to answer, and perhaps it is, but the answer still seems complicated. “Why?” I ask in return, “Why not?”
“Does your husband want children?”
“He would love children.” I admit sadly.
“Then what’s the problem?”  
She’s prying now, I think dully and sit back in my chair silently, unwilling to share anymore. Helen sits quietly and waits sipping her tea again, watching me, waiting for me to speak. I don’t.
Helen realises I am not about to speak up, so she breaks the silence with a touchy question; one she knows I don’t like. Her voice is light as a feather as she speaks. The forbidden question is delivered very delicately. “Do you think having a child is selfish because of your disease?”
Unable to control myself I stand up and start pacing the small room in an attempt to control my frustration. I walked circles around the chairs, the desk and past the filing cabinets that line the walls, the whole time making sure to keep my eyes away from meeting hers. Completing my second circuit of the room the reality of Helen’s question hits me and my eyes automatically fill with tears. Overcome and unable to respond, I sit back into my chair. My hands involuntarily curl into fists as I try to keep the tears from pouring down my face uncontrollably.
I notice that while I had been pacing Helen had placed a small square box of tissues on the table between us. It was light blue, like the walls of the office. I notice it was a nice gesture and I grab a couple tissues as a precaution, waiting for Helen to speak again.
I wait a few minutes for her to speak but Helen remains silent, waiting for me. I looked up at her pleading for her to continue. My eyes must have been huge; swollen with tears and round with desire and pain, she must see all my pain for her to look at me with such pity.
“Brooke, you have Multiple Sclerosis, from what you’ve told me the disease affects your brain and your nerves; it has nothing to do with your reproductive system. It doesn’t mean that you cannot have children.”
“It does. I want a baby, but what if I pass the disease onto my child? My child did not ask for that! They will be suffering for my desire to have a child for their entire life!”
“The odds are,” Helen starts, but I cut her off before she can tell me the odds of passing my disease onto my children.
“If my child got sick it would be my fault!”
“What if your baby was healthy? You and your husband could have happy, healthy children.” Helen explains. She’s right, there is a chance, but the chance seems far too small for me to pin all my hopes on.
“And what if my children are healthy?” I repeat. “If my children are healthy, they will grow up with a mother with failing health and who will not be able to do all the things she wants to do with them. If my health fails and they have to take care of me, what kind of life would I have brought them into?”
“You could adopt a child.” She suggests.
“Even if I adopt a child, do they deserve a mother that they might have to take care of? Do I subject my potential children, blood or not, to a broken mother?”  Even I hear the venom in my voice as I say it, but it makes my statement that much more true.
“Brooke, you are not broken, you have Multiple Sclerosis, and with every disease comes certain challenges. Obviously, you are a passionate woman. You are a caring and loving person, with your head firmly planted on your shoulders. You know more about the world than a lot of other people; its dark sides, and the light ones.” She pauses, and waits for me to digest what she has said before she continues.
“You are also a very smart woman. You are weighing all of your options, and I can see you care a great deal about your children’s’ future, but there are things in this world that are out of our control. If you have a child, and it does not inherit your disease, it still may have another issue; whether it has a heart condition, allergies, Asthma, or struggles with depression or eating disorders as it grows up. You cannot control everything. If your child is sick, whether from MS or something completely different, you will love that child with every single piece of your heart anyway, because they will be yours, and they will be the most precious thing in the world to you.”
“Then what do I do?” I whisper.
“Do the things you can control. Take your vitamins, eat healthy, stay on your medications, start saving for your kids’ college fund, child proof your house! Talk to your husband Brooke, he’ll be able to help. If you both want kids you will have to be a team, you will not be raising the child alone.”
“What if I get worse?” I spin the white gold wedding band on my ring finger nervously.
“You have your husband, your friends and your family. If your symptoms flare up again and you have another MS attack you will not be by yourself, and your children will not be alone and burdened to take care of you. If you have to be taken care of there are many people in your life who love you and will want to take care of you.”
Her last words ring in my ears: There are many people in your life who love you and will want to take care of you. I look up at her, the corners of my mouth twitching, wanting to smile but I fight the urge after years of trying not to get my hopes up.
“So it’s not selfish for me to want children?” I ask. As I say it, I feel the warmth of hope starting to creep out from my core, trying to reach my extremities. I try to push it back, but somehow my iron grip on the fantasy dream of having a healthy family has slipped, and the hopeful smile I had been denying for years is starting to grow.
Helen’s bright green eyes squint with the force of her smile as she replies, “As your therapist Brooke, I cannot answer that question for you. You have to tell me.”
At that, I smile.



What did you think? Leave me a comment or personal message. All help is greatly appreciated :)

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